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How to NOT get caught masturbating

Getting caught masturbating is something few people ever look forward to. It’s just awkward having a friend, family member, roommate, or total stranger walk in on you. But not to worry! Keep these tips in mind and you’ll be safe as a house. Here’s how not to get caught masturbating.

It may already have happened to you. You may have had a few close calls. Or maybe you’re just wondering what would happen if someone did in fact catch you in the act. Even though masturbation is perfectly normal and nobody should ever get at you for doing it, it’s still super awkward to be walked in on right in the middle of it. But we’ve got you covered!

#1 know your enemy

And by enemy we mean: literally everybody. Masturbation is your thing. Sure, you can do it together, or be open about it, but having people actually witnessing you doing it is another thing entirely. The most important thing is to realize where the danger is.

Do you live at home? Make sure you know what your parents, brothers or sisters are up to. Do they tend to randomly open your bedroom door, or do they always knock? Is there a lock on the bathroom door?

If you live in a dorm or you have roommates in your apartment, rules can be important. Tell them in advance you value your privacy, very few people would have anything against it. You can use the old sock-on-the-door-knob trick, but that kind of says just as much as having them walk in on you does.

Long story short: be aware of your surroundings. Know the habits of the people close to you. And when in doubt: pause!

#2 lonely is good

The best way to not get caught masturbating is to not have any people around to catch you in the first place. No matter how many siblings you have, no matter how many friends randomly walk into your dorm room, there will always be times when you’re all alone. Use those sacred hours!

It’s impossible to account for random events, but it’s very hard for people to catch you red-handed when they’re not in the vicinity.

#3 lock, stock

Oh, locks. One of the greatest inventions of all time. This may sound a bit no sh*t, Sherlock-y, but you’d be surprised how many people forget doors can be locked. Lock All The Doors! The bathroom door, the bedroom door, the front door to your apartment.

shower sex masturbation

If the door to your favorite masturbation grounds isn’t lockable, you can still keep people from storming in at precarious moments. Randomly placing something in front of it, like school backpack, a chair, or an empty beer case, might not keep them from entering, but it may just give you those precious few extra seconds needed to look at least somewhat normal again. Making up an excuse about why it was there is a lot easier than explaining what you were doing.

#4 quick ‘n dirty

Yes, we know masturbation tends to work best when you have the time to relax into it, undress completely, and just chill. But it doesn’t have to be like that all the time. You can totally keep your clothes on during it. Try wearing yoga pants, sports shorts, or lazy jammies: it will only take you a fraction of a second to yank your hand out and pretend nothing happened.

Even when using toys, you don’t have to go all-out. As long as you’re comfortable with a slight buzz in your undies while talking homework to the boy next door, you’re all good!

#5 leave no traces

Getting caught masturbating doesn’t necessarily have to happen at the moment itself. There are plenty of tell-tale signs that can give you away long after the act.

This especially goes for guys, since they tend to leave stuff when they’re done. The easiest way to be untracable is to wash it away immediately, in a toilet, sink, or shower. Good luck trying to find the evidence when it’s being washed to the sea, right? If you decide to leave the remains in an old piece of clothing, a blanket, or sheets, you may want to make sure they are washed properly. No matter how good your lying skills are, your mom will know what’s up when she finds that old sock under your bed. (Believe me. I know.)

caught masturbating

Girls usually have to worry about this less, although things can get slightly wet here and there. Something girls do have to remember is to put away their toys, if they used any. You won’t be the first to show your friends around your place and have them stumble upon that bright pink thing chilling on your bed, and you sure won’t be the last.

Another super obvious thing that is so often forgotten: if you have been watching porn and you’re not absolutely sure you’re the only one using the pc or phone in question, whipe it clean! Clear all browser history, check accidental downloads. Even better: use the incognito mode in your browser to take care of most things beforehand.

#6 decibels

This one’s for the loud ones among us (you know who you are)(and so does everybody else). It’s too easy to get carried away enough during playtime to forget about the amount of noise you might be making. Walls can be thin, doors never block as many soundwaves as we hope, your window may still be open.

If you’re a moaner, make sure you know you are one, and act accordingly. Bury your face into a pillow, stuff your mouth with a towel, or simply remind yourself every second you’re slightly on the loud side of the spectrum. Remember, they don’t have to see you to catch you.

#7 risks are fun

One of the (many!) fun things about masturbation is, in fact, the actual risk of getting caught. Even though it’s perfectly normal, it’s still slightly embarrassing to get caught. But it’s exactly that which makes it so much fun. Which is why so many people deliberately go looking for those risks by doing it behind non-locked doors, in public places or around other people.

If that’s you, make sure you keep your senses on high alert. Keep looking around. Keep listening. Stay on top of it, and make sure you’re ready to abort within the shortest of moments. There’s only one thing more fun than not getting caught, and that’s almost getting caught.

What if I fail?

No matter how prepared you are, there’s always a risk. People can come home early, things can go sideways in unimaginable ways. If they do, there are two ways to deal with it.

One option is to deny it, hate yourself for it, beg for mercy, and never touch yourself ever again. We don’t recommend this option.

The other way to deal with it is to own it. Yes, you fucked up. Yes, they know your deepest, darkest secrets. So what? Your mom probably masturbated when she was your age, and chances are she still does it every now and then. Your friends are much more likely to touch themselves on a regular basis than they are likely to be all saint-like.

And even if they don’t do it themselves, that doesn’t mean you can’t. You’re your own person, with your own life, your own brain, and your own body. If they don’t approve of you having lots and lots of fun every so often, the joke’s really on them.

Our experience

Jace: I have never truly been caught, but people have known. My mom has found ‘leftovers’ on a few occasions when I was younger, and she’s confronted me once about the search history on the pc I had in my bedroom. My sister once barged into my room while I was about to get busy, and she never spoke to me about it, but I’d say it’s about a 50-50 chance I didn’t get my jeans back up in time. But other than that… I’m a ninja!

Ivy: Let’s say it’s happened on a few occasions, shall we? I’ll tell you about one because it was so ridiculous: I was 100% sure I was home alone, so I was going all the way – loud music, naked to the bone, toys, weird positions, all that jazz. If only my dad had told me this was the first day the new cleaning lady started… Took me a few days before I dared to fool around again.

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